Capt. Mark East’s Advice to the Careworn, Confused, Lovelorn and Other Outdoor People



Dear Captain Mark,
I am a ferry boat captain for a company that runs between the mainland and a very wealthy island. Most of the islanders are very nice people. However, there is one woman who we have a problem with. She always wants to take up more than her space, and quarrels with the loadmaster. Terrible language. Always afraid someone will bump her Lexus. Just plain mean. Any ideas?
Signed,
I’d like to throw her overboard

Dear Overboard,
A customer like this sure can ruin a day and make for a frustrated crew. Have you thought about surreptitiously plastering a “Nancy Pelosi” bumper sticker to the back of her trunk?
Signed,
Cap’n Mark

 

Dear East,
I have fished for Brook Trout for many years and I love to have them fried for breakfast. I do understand conservation. However, during October “catch and release” I really hate to throw them back. I can just taste each one and it about kills me. Can you please help me.
Signed,
Frustrated taste buds

Dear Buds,
As a consummate fisherman myself, I can sympathize with you. While you are away fishing, have your wife or the local bakery make you a Chocolate Sauer- kraut cake with vanilla buttercreme frosting. When you have to throw that next trout back, concentrate on the first bite you’ll take of that cake. Tell you what, there’s a guy, I forget his name, who does recipes for the “Fisherman’s Voice” up in Maine. I’ll get him to find a recipe and print it in next month’s paper.
Signed,
Cap’n Mark

Write: capmarke@gmail.com